Because of You
by redheadturkey
Summary: On a particular anniversary, Reno begins to take stock of some of his attitudes and the reasoning for them, hoping for some change.


_I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
I will not let myself  
Cause my heart so much misery  
I will not break the way you did,  
You fell so hard  
I've learned the hard way  
To never let it get that far_

The house was silent. The loud music and laughter that normally came from the apartment didn't on that particular night, something that would worry most people who knew the one who occupied it. That one sat in front of his television, staring at it with unseeing eyes, deep in thought. Red hair streamed in loose ways down the slim back as a long fingered hand held a rocks glass full of scotch and ice.

It was an anniversary. . .a very painful one for the Turk who sat with his legs crossed under him, sipping on the scotch with his blank expression while the news played in the background. The anniversary of the day his stepfather had left home never to be seen again, leaving he and his mother in the slums to fend for themselves. 

_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

He and his stepfather's relationship had never been easy. The man had been a low level ShinRa executive, one that made enough money for them to have a fairly nice home, but not so much that they could all afford to live above the plate. He hadn't been prepared to take on an infant, but Reno's mother had loved him and he had loved her in return enough to give it a chance.

Unfortunately, he'd had no idea what he was doing with raising a child, and he'd tried to raise Reno in the way he'd run his department, pointing out every mistake, and every flaw in everything he would do. 

_I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out  
I cannot cry  
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes  
I'm forced to fake  
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life  
My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with_

Tears, even from a young boy, had been seen as a weakness, and the man would mock him for them, and later there would be beatings for them, and empty liquor bottles would litter the floor. At the time, Reno had not understood that so much of it had been his stepfather's own pain, fear, and uncertainty dealing with a spirited and difficult to handle child.

He closed his eyes, remembering at the age of ten watching the man he'd come to know as his father packing his suitcases and leaving, his freshly stitched and bandaged cheeks stinging with the salt from his tears as he yelled after the car begging him not to go. 

_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

"I never did get it, yo. . . " he whispered. "I didn't get that you didn't know the first thing about raisin' a kid." He shook his head as he drained the glass. "You were comin' to me, tryin' to lean on me, an' I didn't get it. Maybe I shoulda, I don't know." Reno finished the shot and bent his head down over his knees. 

_I watched you die  
I heard you cry every night in your sleep  
I was so young  
You should have known better than to lean on me  
You never thought of anyone else  
You just saw your pain  
And now I cry in the middle of the night  
For the same damn thing_

He snorted, shaking his head. Tears ran down his face and he didn't even realize it. "Th'Hell you try to do that for anyway, Dad? Shit, I was a kid. How was I supposed ta hold you up when I couldn't even hold myself up? Th'fuck you expect of me anyway!" His voice shook and he threw the glass against the wall, watching as the amber liquid that was left in it dripped down the wall.

The realization had hit suddenly, and he bent his head down to settle his chin onto his knees. "I wish I'd seen it before, Dad. . .I wish I'd seen it, an' I didn't, maybe. . .maybe I wouldn'ta hated you so damn much if I'd understood you did the best you could." 

_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I try my hardest just to forget everything  
Because of you  
I don't know how to let anyone else in  
Because of you  
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

Because of you  
Because of you 

Looking around his empty apartment he sighed. "I'm alone 'cause. . . I can't trust anybody. That's th'legacy you left for me, an'. . .I don't know how ta get past it. Even if I push a smile onto my face an' laugh a lotta the time. . .I ain't really happy."

He shook his head. "'Causea you, Dad. . .'causea you."


End file.
